Friday, December 31, 2010

you.

you can sit there and be so blue
you can sit there and i just realize thats you, being you

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

random thoughts going through my mind

cheating, bored, ready to go, need friends, need a car, need him, unappreciated, girlfriend #2. lsat, law-school , growing up, bull shit, him. insecure......

storm.

love can inspire a storm.

boredom blog

This Christmas break sucks bad.
you would think that since i had a boyfriend id be excited, having fun and doing shit. -_- nope
I have been here 18 days. been in the house 14 of these days.
I have no girlfriends to call and bug
I don't want to get shot, so im not going to the club.
yea, my life is fucking exciting. Christmas was good. I am blessed.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Am I really that bad?

Men like women who are unavailable. Even in relationships. I am always available. So that equates that my man gets annoyed by me frequently.
So I guess here is where I admit my flaws: I am that girlfriend who calls and text all day and it is solely because I have no one else to call and text all day. 
I love my boyfriend but maybe I need other things to do. Like read a book. Write on the blog more...I don't know. 
I need to figure out how to have my own life. smh 

the trending topic on twitter is #iprefer and I generally I don't participate in shit like that so I wont participate on twitter but I will on this blog

#iprefer you over anything in the world
#iprefer to not be ignored; just respond
#iprefer loving you
#iprefer making love to you
#iprefer youandI.com meandyou.com
#iprefer you being my bestfriend, my homie, lover and friend. 
#iprefer us
#iprefer talking it out, over fighting 

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Long Way Down

Have you ever been inspired by a song, a moment or even just the time. I said I was searching for a song that inspired my love. Keyshia Cole's song "Long Way Down" is my inspiration. I love it.

Already had me a cheater and mistreater, 
Already been with a flosser and smooth talker, 
I've had a betrayer something like a player, but that ain't what I want no more, 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

10 great things about you.

1. Your beautiful
2. Amazing
3. Talented
4. Loving
5. Giving
6. Smart
7. Loyal
8. Love of my life
9. Dedicated
10. Sweet; trying to think of a more masculine word for sweet.

bonus**** your the SHITTTT
and your perfect----> not really perfect but you know what i mean
and i love you


Soulmates,
forever and always

too much love

this is the blog of an over-loving love-aholic.
people always admit to over-loving; but what exactly does that mean?
I can admit that love is a drug; definately not the drug I intended to be hooked on.
What is the cure for over-loving?
meeting someone who loves just as much and as hard as you?

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Trust

When trust is lost, what is left?

The worst thing you could do is not believe someone when you used to believe every word they said. Trust is the most important part of any relationship
If I'am losing trust, than I am losing faith. I am losing the things that kept me close to you is pushing me away because I am so scared that I could never trust anything you say. 
My relationship has had many issues. Many issues that I keep to myself. I have learned that in relationships you must pick and choose your battles. Relationships are hard. Hard, but not impossible. The one thing I hate is when people lie to me, because once you start lying you have to keep on lying. I hate it, the easiest thing that you can do is keep lying.

When you lose trust, you also lose your ability to fight back. The power of manipulation is real, I know someone who is extremely good at that. Men are extremely good at making you the bad guy when they messed up.

without trust, there is nothing.
when you lose trust, all there is doubts...mentally conquering the idea that you may not be the only girl.
mentally understanding that forgiving can be done but you must also let go of the issue and forget. You can't get to happy by always going through sad. 

Sunday, December 5, 2010

love dont change.






if it works, its gone be forever

I don't believe, we were put together, not to be together
And I don't believe, there's anyone out there, that can love me better
I don't believe, that you know how much I miss seeing your pretty smile
Of course we had our ups and downs, but I gotta have you around me cause

Just Breathe

I finally had the balls to tell what I knew. Now I don't know what's next...I don't see a break up...unless thats what he needs...we have been through more shit than this...so maybe we can fix it...hopefully.

I love you. Fix us. Love me right. Choose us.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

unintentionally


you make me sick,
sick like the nervous butterfly feeling
how did you get my heart
you plan on giving it back?
broken?
ripped? 
bruised?
or do you plan on keeping it,
making it whole
repairing the damage, 
that you did to me
unintentionally



Friday, December 3, 2010

you

i knew you were lying, i wanted to believe you
believe in the 'you' that i want to believe in
i guess old habits don't die fast
i can't make a old man be a new man
i guess it doesn't make sense to fight if i don't plan on leaving you
why can't i leave you
leave you out cold, because i know your lying
your lies almost sounded believable
believable because i couldn't not believe you
you got caught, couldn't deal
i dealt, but i knew you were lying
i wanted to believe you

how do you do that?

You ever caught someone in a lie, knew they were lying and decided to just pretend like you believed them anyway? yea...#meneither.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Don't ever hurt a man

How many times have you had your heart broken, been lied to, been cheated on, caught him doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing? How many times after all this happened to you, did you get up and just act like nothing happened because people make mistakes? But a man will hold his hurt for so long that there is nothing that you can do to fix it. Nothing. He can smile and its over. You can smile and he still wants to fight. You can smile and he can't believe that you would do anything to hurt him knowing it was him that drove you to that point. It was him who had his girlfriend playing on your phone, texting you and lying on you. It was him. But some guy, who YOU don't talk to happens to call you or text you and he wants to cause a war. Man, Whatever. Everything that has happened to me, has happened to me. You, you go through my phone and you search for something because no matter how much you say you believed me you searched because you've been waiting for me to fuck up. But this is not about me. This is general.
Men can't take the heat. They can dish it but cannot take it. Its not fair.

dead poets

this is one is for him:

hey you, i seen you in my dreams
i called after you
but you didnt turn around
i kept screaming your name
you didnt turn around
i guess i hurt you so bad that you couldnt remember the truth
couldnt remember that you hurt me too
couldnt remember how many times i cried for you
hey you, its me 
the girl who decided to stay because i knew it'd be worth it
the girl who forgave you and never brought it back up
hey you, its me
im suffering because i just want you to trust me again
i just want you to believe that i dont want anything else
i dont want to call another
i dont need to hear another voice
i dont need to see another face
kiss any other lips
i just need you; i just need us
i know its hard, it wasnt supposed to happen like this
you were always supposed to believe in me; 
i was never supposed to hurt and i was never ever in my life make you hurt
i can't keep saying sorry
because my heart and my soul and my whole being know how i feel about you
wouldn't trade you for the world...
take you on tour of my heart; so you can see the cracks that you fixed 
so you can see your name all over it
take you on tour of my brain; the left side where my thoughts come from and all my thoughts are hoping you come back in one piece. 
hey you, its the same me. just a mistake. nothing more. 

Friday, October 8, 2010

backlashes of a LDR

This is getting out of hand. I miss him entirely to much. I knew that I should have not done this but I did. Willingly. Crazy, who just falls in love and decides that a long distance relationship can work. I guess someone with faith, someone with enough love that it will all work out. It is still to much. I just want to wake up and your there. Text and you respond, call and you answer. I think all of that may be to much to ask for. I guess everything can't be perfect.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Tell me another lie

One of my favorite songs by NeYo is "Tell me another lie" in this song NeYo talks about knowing his partner is cheating on him but he would rather her continue and lie to him. In relationships I find myself being passive but in my "real'' life I am more aggressive. There are always things that I know but I would rather not discuss; sometimes there serves no purpose to discuss an issue and create a bigger problem when you are not planning on walking away for good. I think womens' intuition is 92% right. Every time; well most of the time when I've thought something was wrong it was. The reason I don't discuss or bring up every issue is because I don't want to fight. I want to believe everything you tell me; I feel as if I should believe everything you say. 
I also believe that allowing people to continue to lie to you will cause you to finally leave over something small and minute. 
So do you believe that it is ok to let someone continue lying because you would rather not be hurt? Sometimes lies just sound better than the truth. Or what about those guys who make you think they have been telling the truth but really they have been telling you the opposite of the truth? 

"I just wanna be NUMB
I don't wanna feel a thing
I don't want reality
Actually, reality stinks" 

Those are lyrics from NeYo's song "Lie to me"
Reality does suck sometimes. I hope I don't ever become the girl who thinks that everything a man says to me is a lie. I'd rather believe that everything he says is the truth. I'd rather everything just be the truth. I'd rather not have to question whether this may be true and this may not be true. I don't ever want to get to the point when my reality sucks and my dreams are better. I'd rather my reality be so great, that I dread dreaming. But, maybe Im the only one who has been in relationships where sometimes you'd just rather hear a lie. Maybe, you are the one who is telling the lie and that man is believing you. Thats cool. But, im all for honesty and loyalty. 

Although, Im only 20 sometimes I think about what it would be like to be with one man for the rest of my life and start a family. I could be with one man. If we had God, stable careers (well he had a stable career), stable finances...I could do it. but I guess this is another post... 

ttfn...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Long Distance Relationships; Friend or Foe?




Long Distance Relationships. Is it the perfect relationship because you all are not pressuring one another, all in each others face? Or does it lack authenticity when you need that touch and you can't get it? Should there be rules? What kind of rules? How do you make it work?

In situations in which you are not dating anyone else; not because you can't, but just because you don't want to. I would rather be with one man who makes me happy 96% of the time than to mess around. Now if he's messing around; thats another story. Not saying that its ok for a man to be involved with another woman when he claims to be in a relationship; but men will be men. I don't agree with cheating. I agree with monogamy; I believe in it. I believe that it can work. I feel as if it all can work.

In a Long Distance Relationship you need Trust, Independence, Commitment and a Schedule.
Commitment goes without saying; we clearly are trying to make this work so lets decide if were committed apart or just committed together. Because there is a difference. Trust; you have to have trust because without it your relationship will not stand the test. As a woman, I have to not let my insecurities get the best of me. I have to believe that when he says' 'I'll call you right back' that he is not calling someone else. I have to believe it because if I don't; I will drive myself wild. Independence. Im learning this one slowly. You have to still enjoy yourself; if you don't you will be miserable thinking that you have to sit in the bed waiting on him to call. Have fun, but not to much. Schedule. Make time for one another. Speak frequently. Text, sext...lol. Send pictures (no face).

So my question is; are long distance relationships your friend or your foe?

The Pros to Long Distance Relationships
1. Whenever he sees you, you are on point.
2. It is always intense; sex is intense; kissing is intense; looks are intense....everything is intense
3. You realize if its for you- by this I mean you realize if you can handle it and is it worth it

The Cons
1. Arguments; in LDR's one argument can change everything.
2. Schedule conflicts; one of the hardest things to me has been not being able to speak with him when I want to. Him not being available when I need him, or shall I say want.
3. Miscommunications; One of the hardest things that your relationship will encounter will be miscommunications...if thats the right phrase. One wrong moment, one wrong anything can change everything.

Every relationship is different. Every man is different from every woman but we all have some commonalities. We all love-love. We all love to be loved. In a LDR, you have to make sure that you all are doing everything it takes to make one another feel that way. I will not say he is perfect because trust me he is not. but there is nothing about him I'd change...well maybe a few...

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

enough cryin

I haven't posted in over a month...I fell off...
i feel like Mary in enough cryin
'i been chasin this fool around/ thinkin he gone hold me down.../'

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Are you telling the truth?

I wonder sometimes what will bring the truth out of certain people AND then I find myself wondering why do you even lie? Was the purpose of this lie to passify and or justify your actions? But trust, that everything that is done in the dark will definately come to the light. Sometimes I wonder why? Why do I do the things that I do; living my life like its just for you? I didn't mean for that to be a corny rhyme but really I want to know. I can not figure out what I am actually doing wrong but I do know that I am not doing everything the right way. But what is the point of lies? I guess to protect you, maybe to even hold you over...

You say that you love me...
are you telling the truth
You say that it's just me and you...
are you telling the truth
You say that we can conquer the world...
but i can barely conquer all of you...
are you telling the truth
You say if there is a storm, we can endure it together...
but it's storming outside
are you telling the truth
You say yes, but maybe you mean no
You said that everything would work out...
I'am still waiting
are you telling the truth
Im always waiting, but what am I waiting for?
Am I waiting for you to tell the truth???

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Scream.

I want to stand on top of one of the tallest mountains and let out a monstrous-loud scream. I want to scream, not because I have anything to scream about but because it always looks so damn cool.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

check

now, don't get me wrong
it's not all bad
sometimes it's so good, that im waiting for it to turn bad
but when it's bad, i sit and think
i think of everything thats ever happened
and i remember what it felt like
to be in pain, and to be confused
confusion, does not work for me
i like to be in the YES and not the MAYBE
i like it when me and him are happy
because we make happy look great

Monday, July 12, 2010


I used to think that men could be faithful. I used to believe that I'd be 'practically engaged ' by now. But now, im not so sure. Men can be faithful as long as the women they are cheating on does not find out. I don't think that men understand. I don't think that I can fully understand allot of things. Especially not men, not love...none of it. I think I want to be in a relationship but just when i meet someone who i'd even like to be in a relationship with, they screw me over. I think its me. It has to be me.

He said he told her he was leaving...I don't know if I even believe him. Maybe she's tired of him barely being there. Maybe she said get your shit and get the fuck out. That's what I would have done. I hope that people don't judge me for dating this man. This man who has a girlfriend. A girlfriend with whom he lives with. This girlfriend who clearly does not make him as happy as I do.

I think I'm dumb. I'm dumb enough to believe that the same shit he did to her, he wouldn't do to me. I get so mad. I jump to conclusions. and I'm extremely insecure. I feel like I let him get the best of me. Remember how Beyonce felt while playing Etta James when she was dating Chess, that's how I feel. I wonder how men can love two women at once. Which woman is the most important? I can only love one at a time. I can like allot; but LOVE there can only be 1.

What makes a man unfaithful? Or is it in the dna of a man?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

i remember feeling like this

Butterflies in my stomach when i saw your name on the caller i.d.
wanting to talk on the phone when you just pulled off
thinking about forever
thinking about just me and you
loving your smell
loving your touch
being in love with just you
pet names
being bestfriends
falling for you
waiting by the phone
kissing you
making love
i also remember
when it started to hurt
when waiting turned into forever
when kissing was far and hardly ever
when our love making turned into a job that neither one of us cared to partake in
when you quit on us
when i stopped caring that you quit
when we fell out of love
when you stopped calling
when you became my enemy

two truths and a lie

Ok, so the object is to decide what's true and what is false

1. I miss dc
2. im in love
3. I have yet to buy anything expensive all summer



you can have it

I think im stuck in a box. this box isn't decorated or beautiful or anything but just a plain box.

Right now I want to scream. I don't like this feeling. I hate it. Im stuck and I wish I never felt like this. Not because I don't like him but because I don't know what to do. and sometimes im just unsure. Maybe its my fault, and im to needy or maybe im to spoiled. but i don't think im needy and i don't think im spoiled...i believe maybe i want to much or maybe he just doesn't want as much...maybe i want someone to belong to me and i cant have him...its like the lay-a-way of love and i keep paying on it but it still isn't mine.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Is this a love thing?

Is it possible to be in love with two people at once? and does this differ amongst women and men?

Honestly, I don't think that I could be in love with two men. I couldn't be in love with two men because one of these men would feel like they were 2nd best and if I love you, you will always be number One. The reason I ask because recently at one of the weekly girl talk sessions we discussed this and it got me to thinking...'maybe, it is possible...'

just thinking

I have to stop and catch my breath. Have you ever been afraid of something that seemed perfect but been willing and open to something that was unstable? That is me. All of that running around, got me falling. What do you do when your heart and brain are on two different pages? and when they're on different pages it is so scary...I want to follow something...I want to follow the same road that will lead me somewhere but I have no clue where the hell I want to go. Crazy. Im going crazy. That is pretty much it. I don't want to lose control.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

MONEY or LOVE?

My heart is not connected to my brain


My heart would say it's ok, just follow me...
but my brain would say 'Jasmin stop and think about the pros and cons.'
My heart would say it's ok, give him a second chance
but my brain would say 'Jasmin, do what is best for you, don't live for what-ifs'
My heart would let you love me
but my brain would say 'Jasmin, THINK'
My heart would say be happy for right now
but my brain would say 'Jasmin, be happy forever; don't settle for the now'
My heart would fall madly in love
but my brain would say 'just relax, you have time'
My heart would be in a rush, just to be broke
my brain would allow me to ease the pain


Friday, June 25, 2010

Sometimes you have to just let Go....

I find it hard to believe that letting go will cure all your problems...but I do believe that with time maybe your problems can disappear..or at least you can pretend that your problems are stuck in the past..I think sometimes in the present you bring your past along with you to your present life...
I had a dream yesterday...it was about my ex-boyfriend. Weird. Me and Jason have no relationship, no ties binding us together except the stamp on my heart...I think it is nothing less than a coincidence that I would dream about Jason. Especially when I keep comparing this new situation I'm in to that situation. Now there are many DISTINCTIVE differences between the two guys...but what's similar is how easy it is to fall for ...since Jason, I've been in many 'things' but I never allowed myself to get into a 'thing' like this one. I always strayed from feelings because once you catch feelings it is incredibly hard to get rid of them.
In my dream I saw Jason and he was with his new girlfriend, but instead of leaving with her he left with me. I have no clue what this dream means but I do feel as if has something to do with 'D'.
My ultimate problem/question is 'when is it the right time to let go?'

Thursday, June 17, 2010

growing up




So my neice/daughters are growing up. Today they embark on one of the biggest moments in their first 10 years of life...5th grade graduation. It may not seem big to you, but it is big to me. I remember the day they were born. I remember the day they 1st started getting on my nerves. I remember the first time I fell in love. It was July 12, 1999. That's when Tayler and Tyler graced the world with their presents. I know its supposed to be presence but to me they were a gift. So today I have a few words of advice and encouragement. First I'd like to begin by saying how extremely proud of you I am.
1. Middle school is a journey and you two are so lucky to have one another.
2. Get involved in the clubs. Experience middle school. The more clubs you join the more friends you make.
3. Always talk to someone. Talk to me. Feel comfortable enough to express what's on your mind.
4. Middle school is fun but it is also a very complicated time: its all about finding yourself...finding out what you like and you don't like
5. When I was in middle school, I enjoyed myself I was involved in the programs after school but I began to find my independence.
Lastly, just have fun and take your scholastics serious.
6. Boys. Whew, stay away. Lol, you don't have to stay away, but keep them as friends...its always better that way.

Tayler and Tyler you two are very beautiful and smart girls and again, I am extremely proud of you. I know that you all will grow into the ladies that God has planned for you. But along with growth comes mistakes; and don't be afraid. It is ok to make mistakes. But what is not ok is making the same mistakes over and over. I love you.

Love,

Aunty Jasmin
Always and forever

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Are you a man basher?

when a guy makes you cry, do you believe that every man who you meet afterwards will make you cry? will these be tears of joy and love or will they be tears of heartache and abandonment?
A lot of times when my girlfriends and I discuss heartaches I really start thinking about every guy who has hurt me...I start thinking that maybe all guys 'aint' shit...I absolutely hate to see a girl friend of mine hurt or sad...I see all the great qualities in the women around me and I always wonder what kind of jerk would treat these beautiful women like this or like that. But then I realize most of these guys are not even jerks...and thats when we (ladies) get together and we talk about how 'guys aint shit' because no matter if they are short or tall, fat or skinny, smart or dumb, rich or poor...they somehow manage to leave a trail of broken hearts behind them. I believe that heart break is inevitable but I also believe that love is inevitable as well. Recently, when I was hurt I talked so much shit about this guy to make myself feel better but deep down inside I can honestly say that he is a great guy and I can honestly say that about my ex-boyfriend as well; but when a new guy hurts me I compare it to the time I was hurt before and I think damn "same movie, just different characters..." As women we don't know why guys do the things they do or why we allow them to drive us to do some of the crazy shit we do...we just know that it happens...
so my question is 'do you man bash?'
I honestly think I allow my 'potentials' to start from scratch. I don't carry on the baggage from past relationships to current ones even though it is hard not to compare heartache to heartache.
and if you do, does it mean that you have been hurt so much before that it is hard for you to appreciate a good man..?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Inspired


Inspired by my last post, I found some great quotes about the differences between men and women...Hopefully you enjoy :-)

God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him.

- There are two kinds of women: those who wish to marry, and those who haven't the slightest intention not to.

- To a single woman men are either dates, potential dates, or date substitutes.

"Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious."

"Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot."

"Men can be analyzed, women ... merely adored."

"Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious"

"Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them" Oscar Wilde

Differences

is it to much;
If I want to be happy?
If I want to be with you all day?
If I want to be happy with you? All day and allllllllllllll night?
Speaking of wanting to be with someone all day... When is it appropriate to live with your significant other? As you get older your feelings change, everything changes...being with one man can make you just want to be with him, just want to stay in the house and lay up...hang your club dresses up for 'I'm with him' dresses...I don't feel like this- I'm just saying :-)...I can understand how when a relationship is new every moment apart is more like a leap year. I think relationships are hard because no one realizes how much work goes into making it work. In my mind and maybe yours as well it goes kinda like this:
Guy: damn, who is that?
Girl: he could possibly be my next boyfriend...
And in this instance they don't know each other but it is apparent that they've noticed one another...and upon noticing the guy approaches the girl...and here's the conversation:

Guy: you look beautiful, I was wondering if I could call you sometimes
Translation: your fine and hopefully you let me call you so one day I can wake up next to you.
Girl: thank you. What's your name? And all other small talk...
Translation: although I was just looking at you...let me find out what your all about...

I say this to say that conversation to a woman is very important. From the moment I see you I can decide whether or not I'm sexually attracted to you and I honestly can say that I know if its a 'go' or a 'no'...but with conversation...my mind can be altered...if your conversation is all that and I'm feeling you my 'no' can turn into a maybe...and then a yes...
I'm no expert in men, but I think conversation falls into the latter with them...its all about the right now...but in my mind I'm ready to put the club dresses up if it means I gain so much more...as a woman I know that I am picky but I also know that I am a great compromiser...because sometimes that's what it all boils down to. If the guy I'm interested in meets 88% of my qualifications; I promise I won't be searching for a guy who can fill the rest of that void. But-and again, this is just my oppinion guys want 100%. So they are willing to date 10 different women who each offer him the 10% of what he likes...men and women are just so different. the minor details to a woman mean nothing to a man because he doesn't feel the need to pay attention. What I will try not to do is settle. I think thats one thing I can admire about men instead of settling for just one women they attempt to go and find everything they are looking for. I think while dating it is okay to date multiple women or men who make you happy; but when it comes to relationships one person should suffice.

what do you think are the major differences between men and women?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

if you had let me know, I wouldn't have put on my clothes...hell I wouldn't have even got out the bed...somethings may just be better off unsolved...i just want to know are your fingers broke? and where did you go instead? why have me sitting here waiting? AHHHHHHHHHHH, i need to set some shit on fire...

walk away


In life sometimes you have to walk away from a situation before your in so deep that even if you tried to turn away and walk home you wouldn't even remember how to get home...
but sometimes you can be so blinded that you forget that you've walked to far and made a wrong turn...i think it is about that time that i walk away from so many things in my life...

i got caught slippin


remember in my post "Me, him and her" my last line said that I wouldn't be caught slipping...but guess what....I slipped and fell and lost my damn mind. So last night my threesome ended. As for now that shit is over like last year. Last night, these last few nights actually have defined this thing that he and I had. I keep calling it a thing because at the end of the day it was all confusion. BUT anyways back to this one-some that
im in; last night he and I were supposed to meet so that I could try and resolve this situation. but according to him 'something came up, and he wasn't near a phone...' clearly this fool traveled back to 1908 and there were no cell phones, no house phones..shit there was nothing. but anyway, I was stood up. WARNING, You may judge me for what I am about to confess...but honestly I don't care...because Im telling.

So, last night I go to the Bar around the corner from my house just to sit and watch drunk people while waiting on this fool (this is around 11:20ish) im enjoying myself...of course I meet a few guys who offer to buy me drinks and just talk to me since im at the bar by my self-- but I tell them Im not lonely, Im just alone (because there is a difference). So time flies while I sit at the bar, and I check my phone and it is 12:51 when I become CRAZY...I mean it...from 12:51 to about 1:09 I send him a text message for everything that I've been wanting to say but just have not had the opportunity to say. (I literally sent about 15 text, you can judge me. I sent them because I had to get this off of my chest. I had to let him know that his shit stinks. And of course he didn't respond to my texts, so I called and I called and then this fucker picks up on the 3rd call...talking about his 'phone was in the car...come meet him' and this is when i let him have it...and all I remember ending the conversation with is "F!@# this, and you, and her. Don't call me and I won't call you."
I feel like I hate being a stalker but in this case I wasn't stalking...I was expressing myself...I was letting him know that my feelings were hurt. And the thing is now as I write this im not hurt and im not mad, I just need answers... don't leave me in the dark when its my situation...Communication is key when it comes to 'relationship things'

i got caught slippin' and i am not ashamed to admit it...we all slip sometimes but I honestly didn't think it would be me...this soon...

Friday, June 11, 2010

MAYA ANGELOU'S BEST POEM EVER

this is one of my all time favorite poems. I love Maya Angelou. Hope this poem inspires someone, as it inspires me everyday,

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even
if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see
her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old
age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE....

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

one friend who always makes her laugh.... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a good piece of furniture not previously own ed by anyone else in her
family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that
will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or
the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULd KNOW...

that her childhood may not have been perfect...
but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULDKNOW...

what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULDKNOW...

what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year....

Me, him and her.



I never said I was interested in a three-some but I find myself in one right now. Me, him and her. When we met, I knew about her and I knew what he told me about her. I knew how he hated going home and how he said that he had to be stupid drunk to just be around her...The situation was a lot so I said ‘we can only be friends...’ but somewhere down the line just like we exchanged phone numbers, we exchanged feelings. He said they were over, but again the situation was still very sticky. Once we exchanged these feelings I forgot about her butsubconsciously I knew it was ME, HIM and HER. I knew it was her, when randomly he’d disappear or she’d call and the mood was altered. So the relationship between him and I changed and I find myself questioning his intentions. I knew about her not by name or anything but she is very much apart of this thing that he and I have. What are you supposed to do when your in a situation like this...and why do these ‘situations’ keep happening to me? And what are you supposed to do when feelings are involved? When we are together everyday, when he calls-my heart smiles, when I leave him- i miss him, when I see him- I have to kiss him...who’s fault is this? Recently, I’ve been wondering should I be ‘dating’ other people.We had ‘THE’ conversation and it was made clear that he didn’t expect me to date anyone but him. I didn’t say this to him but in the back of my mind im thinking...me and him. him and her. me, him and her. so am i only allowed to date him, and he can date me and her...huh? according to him, they are not dating...should I stop before it goes any further? I just smirked because im probably not going anywhere, but just don’t think i’ll be caught slipping.


Is it you? Or is it JUST me?

My linesister Jaime wrote this and I thought it was really great...I know Jaimez and I know how she tries to make her self unavailable so to read her justifications I thought it was funny. Sometimes we justify things to make life easier for ourselves. We push people away because we are afraid of being hurt...I think thats the major thing for women and guys we are all so afraid of being hurt by love that we make excuses as for why we don't want to be monogamous. To me when people say "I am NOT the relationship type." it translates to "Im afraid, I don't wanna be hurt. So, im gonna push you away. Im gonna push you away as soon as I catch feelings.'' Being single is so easy, thats why we all push away from relationships...we have to want to make the commitment and that takes work. One of my guy friends today told me he was happy that I was no longer anti-relationship and happy that I was just letting nature take its place....
so here goes Jaimez and her anti-relationship stance.

Now I can’t front, I am NOT the relationship type. I always wanted to have a steady boyfriend but never wanted to deal with the work that comes with a relationship. The daily calling, checking in, being nice, meeting parents?!?!? Who would subject themselves to that? I had no doubt that when the time came I could be a great girlfriend, I just wasn’t rushing to fulfill those duties ANYtime soon.

But then the tables turned, messing with different BOYS with no plans of commitment became boring and quite aggravating. And then a tall slim fly guy strolled into my life and made an offer that I couldn’t refuse including gifts, trips, and a title. Initially I wasn’t phased by the title (I actually liked it) but once the perks of the relationship started to dwindle and the distance between us got longer, my mind began to race about what he was doing, why HE wasn’t calling, and why we had a title in the first place. You’re too far! You aren’t on the same level in life that I’m on! Its summer time! You’re going to Miami for Memorial Weekend! All of the above were excuses I tried to use to push him away but ALL of the above Failed.

Instead maybe I should have just said I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. I’m too far because I didn’t come home after college. I’m not on your level because I am not willing to work for this relationship. It IS summer and I’m loving the white Polo tees, cargo shorts, and fitteds that I’m seeing in fly, clean cars next to mine. And while you were in Miami doing God knows what, I was choosing in the club in Charlotte.

It clearly wasn’t an US issue. I clearly have the issues. Should I stop thinking so logically/systematically and let fate guide me, or is my above pettiness a sign that I am just not ready? Am I wasting a good man’s time?

Maybe I just need to find the rite MR. RIGHT NOW… only time will tell…

Jaimez

Monday, June 7, 2010

Happy

Im finding out in life you have to make yourself happy, because your happiness is not determined by someone else but in yourself. A lot of people can contribute to your happiness but it has to be about you. When you find happiness in a man, you can not depend on this happiness. the only thing you can depend on is instability. Take time to find out who you really are, because while dating sometimes you can lose yourself trying to please others.

1. be the person that you want others to be; attract people to you who can be positive and loving
2. spend time getting to know yourself
3. don't give every person the power to change you
4. speak affirmative actions into your life
5. believe that you deserve to be happy
6. look in the mirror and smile; because someway, somehow your life is Good
7. thank God for your many blessings, thank God for your failures
8. don't be afraid to do anything
9. try to forgive people for the pain they put you through
10. bury the things that hurt you in the past, because as long as they exist in your mind they still affect you

Substitute Lover

For every time you think you are about to fall in love: always have a back up plan. I say have a back up plan because guys are so misleading. *well maybe its my guy who is misleading* The rules of the substitute lover are plain in simple. You can not love him nor sleep with him, all you can do is have him substitute for when your real boyfriend is being a jerk, ass hole and all that extra stuff. I don't believe in cheating but I do believe that sometimes you have to make yourself happy because if you don't make yourself happy no one else will.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Why lie?


I remember my mother used to say lie, liar and all variations of the word 'lie' were bad words and I always thought she was childish for saying that but now as a semi-adult I understand. I hate being lied to, i hate being mislead. As a person you want me to believe your being honest and open with me when you are only telling me 50% of the truth and the rest is being left to my imagination. 50% of the truth is 100 lies. Maybe its just me, I say exactly what I mean and
if I don't mean it you will not catch me saying it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

so you said

yesterday I posted a blog. VENTING.
i took it down because those feelings i felt yesterday or that day, i should never give any person the power to alter my mood or change my writing. i won't write a blog cursing about a man because for every man who makes me upset, God-willing there will be another man who makes me smile.
im not usually the type to bash men, but im not the type to get played.
i guess nobody is the type to get played...but whenever it does happen to me I go back and reevaluate everything I did. but this time I can't say what I did wrong. but I can say that nobody deserves to be lied to. I can not stand a liar...why say you will, when you won't. why would you say that you can, but you WON'T. I don't understand. I guess there are alot of things I will never understand.
i won't understand boys who call themselves men
i don't understand your lies when you keep calling them truths

Fake It Till You Make It....YOU and Him

Everytime that I admit to myself that I may actually be in love, I end up getting my heart broken. So I just pretend because after all I am a great girlfriend. And acting like a great girlfriend means giving your all. I wish I could be legitmate so that every part of me is there when we're intimate. YOU have not a clue. Its a shame because you're probably my biggest fan. Always there and down for whatever doing anything possible to make things better. Its not that I don't want to let YOU in but my heart says make HIM just a friend. Time is suppose to heal all wounds I guess my hearts stored in a capsule. His departure rocked my soul, so much shit HE left untold. But look at me, a hypocrite failed to even mention it....to YOU. Mention the fact that I still think about him or that sometimes I wish he wasn't a has been. Love is about meeting your partner half way I've been in route for quite some time now but you're already there..waiting. Why?




it matters

when your phone doesn't ring

usually, if it does not ring--it's off? right?
Nope, he just isn't calling.

1. he is not calling because he is with his real girl friend.
2. he's busy?
3. he aint shit.
4. he really may be busy.
5. he doesn't want to sweat you
6. his phone has been going straight to Vmail all day
7. but why in the hell is your phone going to voicemail, when you carry a charger...you have a car charger...so what the f!@#!. Clearly something is fishy about the situation. This is what im finding out.

I trust people to soon. To me it makes sense that I trust you from the moment I meet you until you prove me wrong but clearly guys make that shit hard to do. Im learning from guys 20 and up that they need to earn your trust, they can't just receive your trust. Because from the beginning some guys just lie. They lie about simple things...

Exhibit A. "I do have a girlfriend, but we are breaking up."
Exhibit B. "I'll be right back."
Exhibit C. "That is my bestfriend."
Exhibit D. "This is my car."
And my personal favorite... "I really like you, your the only one for me." or how about this one "Im gonna leave her as soon as you and I make it official."
Negroe Please.
I vowed that I would never mess with someone else's "boyfriend". but someone else's "boyfriend" is clearly a liar. so my question is Fellas, if you have a girlfriend why would you lie and say that you don't have a girlfriend? Is it to make me feel better, because honestly I could give a f!@# less until you got my feelings involved. So, you have a girlfriend and yet you are asking me, (Innocent ol' me) to be your girlfriend. #wheretheydothatat. I think men should have to attend some type of honesty while dating workshop. or maybe the police should give out LWD's or LWB's (Lying while dating or lying while boyfriending) because all these Negros be fibbing.

So now, my statement is- There is something wrong with me.
and my question is- What is wrong with me? lol. but im serious. im clearly attracting ASS WHOLES.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I don't know

So I just decided that I am Single...Again. I suck at being a girlfriend.


Why do girls like guys that pay them no mind and vice versa?

How do you recover from being a love-aholic?
*i am not a love-aholic...i like to use and abuse men for what they are for.....i kid.... :-)

There is this guy, he is the hottest in the streets...and thats why he can't be my guy.

If you know somebody who is on that bullsh!@ tell them to stop. It's annoying.
If you call me and I miss your call...im probably not ignoring you.
If you call me and I miss your call constantly Negro I don't want to talk to you.
Fab said it best, "cause if you aint getting money when you call you get the beeep
she can’t pick up the phone, your broke ass should leave a message
and my guess is, if she never call well you get the message
you like whaaaat, you can’t call nobody
I’ve been trying to find you like Waldo shawty"


Ha that is dedicated to all the wack fools calling my phone*...you sooooo wack...

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Single me...


i've been single. im currently in a relationship. i don't know how i like it, when your single you move on your own drum, when your in a relationship you move as a unit. Units? Me? I move as a single force; i like it that way. I like it, but im wondering "did my ex screw me over so bad, that i'd rather just be alone?" but wait--back to this relationship thing, how does this work again? Is the single Jasmin anti-relationship? or is the single Jasmin just not ready for the relationship Jasmin.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

?

what does it mean when you say "i want you'' but your actions prove a little less than that.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

do you believe in Love?


Is Love that thing that makes your heart go pitter patter? or is it that thing that makes you go crazy after you see your ex in the club with his new boo? For me its that feeling of going from 1 to 100 in 20 seconds...its that feeling that makes me smile when someone mentions your name....but it is also that feeling, that has you sitting by the phone-waiting for him/her to call...it's the thought "maybe I have no service" but your phone rings and its just not him...

maybe everybody has a different type of love...some Love is demanding, some love takes time, some love teaches and some love takes but what kind of love are you offering? I think my love is submissive. I want my man to feel like a man...but the man who loves me has to be a MAN (age means nothing) but by a man---i just mean, Confident, Intelligent, Strong, Demanding, Aggressive he has to say the right things at the right time...he has to treat me like its just ME...Not all the time but enough that I don't notice that he doesn't.

but my question remains, do YOU believe in Love? So, if you do what kind of Love do you give and what kind of Love do you want to receive in return? i want to give you non-stop love when I love you. Im waiting for the day when I fall in Love again...because this time I won't Love like last time because it was too much, wayyyy tooo MUCCCCHHHHH...

Im BACKKKKKK



Im back like I never left the scene...
I been gone for a minute/now im back with the jump off/ goons in the club incase something jumps off...All we wanna do is party and buy everybody at the bar CIROC/Black Barbie dressed in Bvlgari/ I'm trying to leave on somebody's Ferrari
I know I've been gone for months lol...it is not like I have a 103 followers but I write for myself so that eventually you people will come around...I love to write about how im feeling, and what I see

So Tuesday, I woke up with a stiff neck and a fever of about 102.3...now ask Jeezy who keeps it real lol...I keep it real, real hot! LITERALLY...But being in my bed for 3-4 WHOLE DAYS ALONE, gave me more personal time than I needed..I began to think of the things I forgot about, dream about things I never even thought of...
I realized that I don't know what I want and whenever I make plans the BIG MAN upstairs laughs at me...He knows I don't know...so I am assuming that its ok, that as long as I meet Him halfway He will hold me down.
Now back to me being sick, it was like the worst sick i've been in forever...my throat was soooo swollen I couldn't talk, I couldn't eat, I couldn't take tests, I couldn't do homework and I couldn't take my ass to the club.So you already know it was MISERABLE...
but I had so much time to think and yall not ready for what I got for yall...It's gonna be a slow and steady movement but once it hits you, you gonna wish you was my homegirl...

Summer 2010 we going in..."If you aint speaking money, than you aint speaking my language..."

Thursday, April 29, 2010

And i may be back

I have been thinking that I need to write, I have so much pint up aggression. I have so much to say and I can't find the words to say it. This semester has been the roughest for me...but I have been smiling all along because I don't even know whats been going on with me...but enough of this melancholy stuff...

Let me get back to being me...

The fun stuff that makes my life exciting isn't exciting me...WHAT does that mean?




Tuesday, April 13, 2010

i apologize.

"In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure." Bill Cosby

i know I have not posted in a while, but when I get it together...I promise I will be back...but only when I get it together...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

question existing?

@Wale #Question ...do yall think that every relationship has oneperson who is dating sum1 out of their league & 1 person who is settling?

Now I think that is a great question something that im always thinking it may even be the reason why I am NOT in a relationship now. Wale said that he agrees with his statement and I do too. I don't think we should have to settle but I know that we all do. We settle for the one who handles all of our bullshit instead of changing for the one who may really deserve. Recently, I have noticed that women are SETTLING and dating men who they think have potential rather than men who are equally as successful as them. With a majority of our black men in jail, gay and just not in college what am I suppose to do as a Black Woman should I date outside my race? The world should teach you to be a woman that does not have to settle...but it should also teach you to not be afraid to step outside your comfort zone....by 26 if im not in a committed relationship with A BLACK MAN, I will no longer rely on black men as my only option. but, who's outta your league? the ex-con? the dr? the athlete? the musician? or as a STRONG successful black woman are you out of the league for all these men pursuing you? maybe its not really settling, it may just be stepping out the box.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Make me smile

Ever since the passing of Davon I haven't really posted; I haven't had much to say. I've been weird. I miss him, but I know he is resting in Paradise.
I've been thinking of all things that make me smile, and I have come to the conclusion that it is the small stuff.

1. I love when people smile at me...it makes me happy
2. I love when people open up around me; people are usually so guarded around me so when they open up it makes me happy
3. Laugh with me
4. Give me a GREAT hug
5. Tell me a story
6. Show me your talent
7. Show me your heart
8. Be you
9. Sing-A-Long to songs with me
10. Rap battle with me----im nice on the mic, or the hairbrush, or the pop bottle

hmmm

Even though I like you, I wont allow you to get the best of me!

Today someone asked me, what’s my favorite quote and I didn’t hesitate I said “those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”. To me this quote sums up the relationship between people. This is the segue into my mind. I knew it was over before it began; the whole time Im doing this for me. Im talking about a guy…this guy is boy A. Me and boy A have been doing this thing…I wouldn’t call it talking, I wouldn’t call it dating…I would just call it a thing. This thing just got extremely strange.

I think im the reason that relationships don’t work out…I give too much in the beginning and I just do it because Im just a giving person. I treat every guy I DATE, and I mean date like a boyfriend even if I don’t want them to be my boyfriend; and what ive realized is that everyone doesn’t deserve the best of me (that means friends as well). I don’t mean I should be a bitch and give you nothing but I mean not everyone deserves to get the best of me. by the best of me, I mean not everyone deserves the treatment that I would give my potential boyfriend because then he expects the world when he’s just giving me Washington DC. And as I get older I understand what my daddy used to say….”don’t give major time to minor folks” every nigga (and I use the term loosely)does not deserve a woman to wash his clothes, cook for him and help him. i digress there are some amazing men. AMAZING but there are also some boys in men clothing. Pretending that they deserve a woman who will help to make them better but in actuality they are not prepared to handle such a woman…

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Prayer for Strength

Im praying for strength..Im praying for guidance...its been so unreal to me until now....I love you...Protect me, guide me...give me strength..forgive me...give me the peace lord that only you can provide...

REST IN PARADISE Davon.

Prayer for Strength

O Lord,
In this time of need, strengthen me. You are my strength and my shield; You are my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. I know, Father, that Your eyes go to and fro throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts long for You. The body grows weary, but my hope is in You to renew my strength.
I do not fear, for You are with me.
I am not dismayed or overwhelmed, for You are my God. I know You will strengthen me and help me; that You will uphold me with Your righteous hand. Even as the shadows of illness cover me, I feel the comfort of Your strength, Or Lord.
Amen.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Davon Rest in Peace



"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... "
1 John 4:18

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


@DDGFranklin: Life Lessons from the ocean water: the waves will pull you out further before they take you back to shore

Davon,

The waves pulled you out so far, that HE had to take you home --back to shore, to the big ocean in the sky...I love you. I have no memories at Howard University that you are not apart of; from the time I arrived at the Mecca you have been my brother and a great listener. Im trying so hard to get these feelings outta my heart, im trying so hard to be strong...and im almost there. I wish I could have one more margarita with you, or steak quesadilla and watch you devour the little bowl that the salsa comes in...I wish I could have one more laugh, one more hug....I wish I could have one last moment. I can only think about positive things, things that make me smile, thinks that make me sad because all I can think about is you. You and how much of a great man you are. I know that you are watching over us. As I type this im laughing because im thinking about how funny you are creeper! lol, im gonna miss you...but you aren't that far away. Im gonna miss you old man...my heart was so heavy until i prayed...i walked outside and there was sunshine and i know that it was you. i know that it was you because I said "God, why?" and I heard him chuckle....he chuckled because who am I to question God's plan. So whenever I get sad, ill think of every time you made me smile. God took you because he needed you more than we did. We can all be selfish and question his reasoning but God makes no mistakes. My eyes are low...my head is pounding..im full of questions that i cant even ask...im tired of crying but I don't know when the tears will stop...im so full of emotion...what should i say? what can i do? how can i help? i can't begin to fathom how your parents feel...your family is in my prayers... I want to walk on campus and see you with your cane in your back pocket with your ear phones in your ear...

from my heart to yours,
i love you
selfish me wants you here on earth but
the selfless me knows you deserves to be Resting in Paradise
my heart knows that when you took that last breath that God told you it was your time
one day I will understand why the good die young but right now it is not meant for me to know
watch over us...tell the Angels i said hello...tell God to forgive us just as he has forgiven you


love,
Gucci