just thinking

I have to stop and catch my breath. Have you ever been afraid of something that seemed perfect but been willing and open to something that was unstable? That is me. All of that running around, got me falling. What do you do when your heart and brain are on two different pages? and when they're on different pages it is so scary...I want to follow something...I want to follow the same road that will lead me somewhere but I have no clue where the hell I want to go. Crazy. Im going crazy. That is pretty much it. I don't want to lose control.

i got caught slippin

remember in my post "Me, him and her" my last line said that I wouldn't be caught slipping...but guess what....I slipped and fell and lost my damn mind. So last night my threesome ended. As for now that shit is over like last year. Last night, these last few nights actually have defined this thing that he and I had. I keep calling it a thing because at the end of the day it was all confusion. BUT anyways back to this one-some that im in; last night he and I were supposed to meet so that I could try and resolve this situation. but according to him 'something came up, and he wasn't near a phone...' clearly this fool traveled back to 1908 and there were no cell phones, no house phones..shit there was nothing. but anyway, I was stood up. WARNING, You may judge me for what I am about to confess...but honestly I don't care...because Im telling.

So, last night I go to the Bar around the corner from my house just to sit and watch drunk people while waiting on this fool (this is around 11:20ish) im enjoying myself...of course I meet a few guys who offer to buy me drinks and just talk to me since im at the bar by my self-- but I tell them Im not lonely, Im just alone (because there is a difference). So time flies while I sit at the bar, and I check my phone and it is 12:51 when I become CRAZY...I mean it...from 12:51 to about 1:09 I send him a text message for everything that I've been wanting to say but just have not had the opportunity to say. (I literally sent about 15 text, you can judge me. I sent them because I had to get this off of my chest. I had to let him know that his shit stinks. And of course he didn't respond to my texts, so I called and I called and then this fucker picks up on the 3rd call...talking about his 'phone was in the car...come meet him' and this is when i let him have it...and all I remember ending the conversation with is "F!@# this, and you, and her. Don't call me and I won't call you."

I feel like I hate being a stalker but in this case I wasn't stalking...I was expressing myself...I was letting him know that my feelings were hurt. And the thing is now as I write this im not hurt and im not mad, I just need answers... don't leave me in the dark when its my situation...Communication is key when it comes to 'relationship things'

i got caught slippin' and i am not ashamed to admit it...we all slip sometimes but I honestly didn't think it would be me...this soon...

who gon' check me boo?

when someone shows you who they are, you must believe them...because if a guy tells you he is an ass hole, 9 times out of 10 he is an ass hole.

this post is not necessarily about a guy--but more or less about the actions of this guys other girl...SO, my question is....in college when is it okay to be serious? and how do you know if your really serious? See me, Im the type to not ask questions--i just go with the flow...I've never felt like I had to mark my territory or express that im the one...because if your really the one like you think you are---that shit wouldn't need to be expressed. So who gon' check me boo? But now I must ask myself---is it my fault because I don't ask questions...should I ask questions when i'am not looking for monogamy? I don't want to be committed. I want it all with out the title...I don't want to be anyones girlfriend anytime soon...but I don't want to be a #sidelinechick, especially when I thought you weren't looking for monogamy either...but clearly you weren't looking for monogamy with me because you already had it with her...and thats probably why I should ask questions...because now someone feels like they can #checkme...and it aint going down like that...

I feel like im playing a different game than most...You say you want a girl who does not ask questions...does not sweat you...does not stalk...but when you get that girl who does everything you asked for...you want the girl who is always doing something extra...you want the girl who's sweating you, stalking you and asking all the questions...you want the girl who's checking another girl over you but you don't claim either...it makes no sense to me....but who gon' check me boo?

So, im starting to think that- YOU, don't know what you want...you want everything except the shit you asked for plus what you asked for...

part 2 in the A.M.