Are you there God? It's me, Jasmin.

Lately I have been finding myself searching for God. And I can not seem to find him. So I wonder am I living my life wrong am I a bad christian because not only am I doubting the love that I know God has for me but I am doubting myself. I did something that I should have not done and because of that I am nervous...but I am asking for Gods forgiveness...I know that I need to do better...but God has been on my side. I just am not on my own side? if thats possible..talking about God and believing are two totally different things. I can totally talk to you about how good God is to me but that does not mean that im not doubting his presence in my life. I love Jesus. I love him...but where is he? I have prayed not even for things but for necessities...like I keep smiling but I cant pay my bills...

And then I read this...
There are two kinds of conviction: one is a tool of God, the other a tool of Satan. Satan uses conviction to paralyze you, convincing you that you have no hope of change. He uses it to remind you of your failures long after God has both forgiven and forgotten them. Satan wrongly convicts you to rob you of your joy. In contrast, God uses conviction to cause you to turn to him for forgiveness and cleansing. He uses conviction to show you your need for a Savior and to draw you to him. So who’s wielding this tool in your life now?

The devil is not giving me any type of play 
and i will not let the devil get the best of me. 
i will not be weak 
i will continue to pray
i will not fall victim
i will not be scared
i will be ok
i will be ok

Peace, be still!

there is a fine line between peace and the quiet before the storm. i believe i am in the quiet before the storm. im moving but im not making any noise. im talking but literally, i am not saying anything. i have declared that i dont want anything but i desire so much. i need so much. i desire to be happy, i look happy...but i am constantly trying to figure out if i am happy. i am blessed, I am positive about that. but happy, i am not that sure. i remember moving to find freedom to find, Jasmin. Jasmin is some where but far from everywhere. She has traded orange juice for wine and polite smiles for genuine laughter. Searching for something that she has no clue of. How do you complain when the struggle was your decision...I remember once i found happy and it didnt feel like this. i remember once i found peace...peace was still...but still this is not peace. you know how hard it is to be vulnerable when everyone thinks everything is perfect in your life. but who's life is perfect? there are millionaires who are unhappy and poverty stricken families who are happy. finding peace in the middle of the storm is what makes the most sense. im in this storm...winds are moving so fast...rain is pouring down but still im in peace. be still, and there will be peace.

whoa is me

23. Masters Degree. Wine at 12pm. This sounds like fun, relaxation? No this is depression. I have never been a person to say im depressed or i have never seen the glass at half empty but right now i think my glass is completely empty. Im drowning and i feel like giving up...or maybe I already gave up. I do not know. I moved to Atlanta April 9th and I thought I was doing the right thing, but since I've been here it is like i have been on a complete downward spiral. I moved here with all good intentions you know, I'd find a job, a man or a man then a job. I'd be happy. Im not happy. Im not sad. Maybe, I need a psychic or as a christian im supposed to say a prayer. But i think God is tired of me or maybe im not praying right. im drowning and there is no one to save me. I'm so desperate for a miracle that im drinking wine at 12pm. I think Jesus broke up with me. There are strippers who have their life together more than me. I am drowning in debt. And depression is seeping into my soul. How many times can i say im not happy. im sure i have reached my limit of complaints. i just wanna be able to pay my bills. on time. i just want to be happy. i just want to be debt free. why is it so hard. what was the point of me going to college? it was a crutch in adult hood. they said go to college so youll find a good job, go to graduate school so you can get more money...brahahahahahahahahaha just a fuc!!!!! joke. these degrees dont mean anything. when i have a child, he or she will be a disney star. stars are the only recognition to success. all of the congrats and well wishes dont mean shit when i cant pay my bills. i was just happy and then i got stuck right back in depression...maybe i shouldve stayed in detroit, got pregnant and then my blessings would have come. maybe i shouldve never went to college and then been a stripper and i would be ok.